Losing the sense of self to find myself again

6 months since my girl is gone and I still dread that night. I don't know if I dread or still can't believe how 2 hours can topple your life equations. I thought it was just the usual summer heat, gave her curd, and water; took her on my lap, making her drink some more water. And suddenly she had hiccups or some shocks, and stool came out. We rushed to the hospital, and I held her. She weighed 17-20 kg. Not a lot compared to my Doberman. While taking her through the elevator, I could feel her getting heavier, and my heart sinking deeper with that weight. 

Just so much heaviness, and madness at that moment.

I forgot my phone, Akshar picked up my sister's car key. Her husband was coming with us. While we were just leaving, she came running with her 2-year-old, saying the door got closed and Coffee (my Doberman) was inside. And all of us forgot the house keys. We left, while her husband stayed to figure out how to open the door.

We were driving to Aundh Crown Hospital, and Akshar was crying and asking how she was. Her tongue was out and I knew she was no more. I wanted the car to reach the hospital before I could tell him.

Finally, after taking a couple of wrong turns, we reached the hospital. Akshar opened the door and I told him, "Cookie nahi hai". It was almost midnight, he cried and doctors came rushing, few people were walking, came. Doctors checked her and she was no more. Of Course!

We asked doctors what they thought would have happened. It is such a humane tendency to know the reason behind everything. Does it make accepting the fact easier? I don't know, maybe or maybe not. I don't think any reason can ever prepare one for death.

Then doctors asked us to cremate her since her body was getting stiffer. Akshar wanted Coffee to know that she was gone and we went back home, holding her dead body in my lap, sitting in the backseat of the car. Coffee, my sister, my brother-in-law, and her daughter, came to see Cookie off for the last time. I don't know if Coffee and Akshu understood anything.

We took her to the Animal crematorium. Akshar asked the person if we could get ashes and he showed us the pile of ashes that they dump once a week. It is not possible to get her ashes separately, he said. 

We put haldi, and kumkum on her, kissed and hugged her body (once soft like a pillow, now stiff) for the last time. The crematorium person pushed Cookie to the furnace, fire trying to get hold of the new offering that had come to its den. He closed the furnace window and we could see the fire getting stronger for some time and then it normalized, I don't know if it was within a few minutes or longer. 

At the same time, another family came with their dog, and it was 14 years old. Couldn't Cookie have stayed a bit longer? Few more years perhaps? We were just going to move into a new house and had already thought about the windows where Cookie would sit, and sleep.

He opened the furnace window, her body now ashes, still in the same shape. My soft toy, those creamy soft furs were all turned into black ashes and he pushed the remains, it got mixed with the pile of ashes. The existence of 8 years, just disappeared.

She was my youngest kid, pampered; I knew what her eyes would speak and what she wanted without her telling me anything.

No one to chase Pigeons out of my balconies, or sit on the windows and bark at everything that moves.

4 months before Cookie expired, we lost my father-in-law. Though he was diagnosed with Lung cancer it was just a matter of time. Within 2-3 hours of feeling breathless, he was gone. A person standing on a window, living in a house for many years, and few hours after can't be seen anymore.

I can't describe how it feels.

It is not that I have experienced death for the first time in my life. Having a big family familiarizes you with these experiences early in life, yet proximity to the body was limited and all rituals were handled by elders. Maybe that traumatized me for a while. But this time, I realized whatever we are, we do; we won't be there one day. People around you might vanish, and just like that the person is not there anymore. 

The first 4 months have been hard for me to get back to the routine that I had with my bitches, even though Coffee is still there. The first day I took Coffee for a walk without Cookie, my leash felt so light, yet, I felt the heaviness and my heart sank deeper.

The next morning after Cookie expired, Akshu asked me - "Mausi, Cookie kaha gayi? Kab aayegi?" I took a moment, how do I respond to her, how do I want her to remember her. Do I want Cookie's memory to make her sad or should she feel good about her? She just loved Cookie, since she was not even born. She would kick whenever Cookie would sit near my sister. 

I told her - "Cookie neenu raani ke paas gayi hai. tum jab sone ke liye neenu raani ke paas jaaogi, tab aayegi wo." Even today she meets Cookie there.

One might feel that you have so much to do, so many mouths to feed, so many assets to build, and whatnot but one day when your mere existence is in the form of ashes, most people can cope with life and move on without you. Well, they have to!

Now the choice is to give yourself a life and those around you, that's worth living. Choose who you want to spend your time with and how!

For the initial few days, I had confused feelings or thoughts. Why I'm here? Everyone will live even if I die. And that's why we are called social animals. We crave remembrance. We want to be remembered. I don't know if Coffee feels sad or depressed for Cookie. They live their own life - good, average, bad. 

They crave - your company, a few treats, lots of pampering, and scratching. That's their purpose in life. That's what they live for.

Does it matter to them if you remember them after they are gone for all the time spent on those fetch plays, so many games, the cuddles, those treks where you took them?

Isn't it the same for us? Even if people remember me, and say good or bad things about me, I'm not there anymore. It wouldn't bother me. Instead, what I felt when I was alive, is what truly matters.

What do you live for? 

Do you live so you can be remembered or someone to carry your legacy?

Or Rather to bring a smile to someone's face and be forgotten or build a character that can make the lives of people around them beautiful? This might make the remembrance of yours much easier and livelier. 

The day we lose our need for self-importance in the world, we lose the need for people to give us certain recognition, and position in their lives. 

But isn't it hard to forget how good, smart, and nice you are and become selfless?