Year of Refraction - Bidding Adieu to 2019

This Year went by so fast, really stressful, eventful, and yet so refreshing (at the end). It reaffirmed some of my beliefs. It changed me as a person. A lot happened (as it happens to each of us) and we all could make it to 2020 together.

I'm trying out writing little longer blogs because I got the feedback that my Blogs were too short, leaving few craving for more. I think I wrote hastily as my thoughts paced through my brain without really elaborating them a lot. I'm trying to be more patient while writing now.

What was 2019 for me?

I was listening to a podcast about how Mind can be stuck in a vicious circle of overthinking and not being able to do what it wants to do. This is a signal from the body to change something. Of course, it becomes frustrating and you just don't know how to get out of that circle. As the podcast quotes Tony Robins -

When you're in your head you're dead.

My 2019 had a similar cycle of trying to control or fix the conditions which weren't supposed to get fixed (at least by me). It is like banging your head against a wall and at the end when you are hurt, you learn - you shouldn't have banged your head. Instead, should have just walked by the side to find an end of the wall or walked away conveniently (Though I decided to but didn't. I should listen to myself more often).

What did I do in 2019 for myself?

The only way to break these circles of thoughts is to break the pattern, break the pattern physically so that you can come out of it mentally. It is totally you who will do this. Others can only do the talking, supporting, advising, counseling or prescribing medicines.

I went for Hill walks, explored hiking with my sweetheart Bitches (Coffee & Cookie) and Wanderer Group. On my routine morning walks, I made few Hill Buddies. I fed them, patted them, walked with them and it melted my heart every time I saw them wagging their tails. It gave at least a break for a couple of hours from the routine and lots of Fresh Air.


Katraj to Sinhgad - Night Trek with Humans and Dogs

It is amazing to experience the feeling of existence. Whenever I went for Tekdi Walks, I had one or a few dogs walking along with me. Though I'm an accidental Dog Person or Owner, I have started to enjoy their company. There was one of them (writing it as "was" is heart-wrenching). 
I could never understand and will never forget the feeling of seeing him running towards me, walking beside me and howling whenever we met after a week as if he is complaining, "Where have you been?".

I saw him as a pup, got him spayed, never climbed the Baner Tekdi without him. And by the end of 2019, I couldn't even find him. I miss you every single time when I'm on Tekdi. I expected a longer relationship with you "Siyaar". I hope, it was easy in your last moments. If you got adopted, I wish you a good life. You are always in my heart!

During the year, I lost a few more of them. Don't even know if they are alive.

Apart from the dogs, the year had been exciting. My sister got married and I like to assume that her expectations were met :P 

But But But... True happiness came during the last 2019 fortnight. I'm not sure if it was a good hair-cut which gave me the feeling of throwing away the rubbish part of 2019 or I just loved my hair cut (after a long long time...). 

A good hair-cut can do wonders, you never know!!!

How 2019 enlightened me?

• I became more compassionate (that's what I want to believe) and it is a beautiful feeling. Whatever great lines of code you write, whatever money comes in your account, it can give a temporary feeling of Superiority. But, spending unconditionally for someone who doesn't expect you to spend and in return, can give loads of love irrespective of how much you spend, gives joy without feeling superior. Strangely True. Yeah, but you still have to earn so that you can spend.
• For some reason, I saw the positive and negative sides of Possessiveness and Obsession. I'm still not aware of what it is doing to me. It might take some time to feel comfortable to write about it. These are overwhelming emotions and they need a serious check (probably meditational breathing) so that they don't overpower oneself.
• I realized every argument is not worth a conversation. I prefer to believe that any conversation should enrich you with some insight. Arguing only for the sake of putting across your point is like a late-night debate show where everyone is shouting and no one is listening. Even though being silent doesn't help, instead, it is convenient (maybe not the right word) to be apathetic and move on.
• My tolerance benchmark has moved up for sure. I'm ready for the next decade. Though I'm not at all tolerant for anything against my Bitches (my Bro had a bitter encounter of that. And, I can't believe it happened!)
• I can (have always been able to) see myself flawed, not because I'm not able to point fingers at others. Instead, I'm flawed because I can't convince myself to manipulate things differently in front of different people. Or maybe I already do. I'm ok with that. Some of the life experiments are full of odor but you can't be sure if the fragrances which people are talking about will be of your liking either. 

How did you change in 2019?

I would like to traverse 2020 (as they say - "The Year of Rat") along with all of you and pursue a common Personal Goal.

Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in regard. ...Esther Perel

Also published at - https://medium.com/@amrita127rai/year-of-refraction-bidding-adieu-to-2019-d4fc5b99919d