Book सारांश :: The Courage to be Disliked – A philosophy for happy life

This could be a book that shall be read repeatedly for digging deeper into the stated philosophical principles, while revisiting, revising, and reinforcing those principles in one’s life. I would say it is not a very agreeable book for the concepts it puts forth and could require multiple reads with an open mind just to let it state its point.

The book chalks the path to life’s philosophy using Alfred Adler’s Adlerian Psychological principles, which denies the Etiology i.e., causation-based psychological ideas. The conversational pattern of the book makes the reading interesting despite the concepts being complex.

The purpose of writing this summary is to get you interested in reading the book, as my writing might not be able to justify the deep philosophy preached here.

The book starts with a young boy visiting an old philosopher with the goal to convince the philosopher that his ideology is bogus. The whole book spans over 5 nights of conversation between the young boy and the old philosopher.

The First Night: Deny Trauma

The book starts with a strong claim stating Etiology (i.e., causation) based psychology is flawed. An example of a mother, who is angry and yelling at her daughter for a reason, answers a phone from School Principal at the same time in a very calm manner; and goes back to yelling after keeping the phone. Philosopher says that one’s emotional state is one’s own choice that we adjust as suited for the situation. Take a moment to think about it when you have done it!

The spur of the moment is something that we use to shrug off responsibility for our actions due to our emotions and instead blame it on the circumstances (cause) that made us react (effect) in so and so way. It helps one believe that it is none of your faults!

The book suggests that every emotional state one is in, is a choice that one makes by self. Hard to accept and reflect, isn’t it? Philosopher denies the existence of trauma (cause) for a mental state (effect). Instead, he suggests that it is the unwillingness of an individual to get out of the existing state and enter the unknown emotional territory.

One needs the courage to choose happiness.

Thus it is always an easier choice to stay unhappy or to keep the way things are, and never come out of one comfort zone.

Master Shifu told you, “If you only do what you can do, you will never be more than who you are.”

The Second Night: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

With the thought of courage to change, Philosopher tells the boy that one should leave the past behind and as a result not live in the trauma. The conversation rationally leads to traumatic experiences related to interpersonal problems and non-acceptance of oneself. The night explores inferiority and superiority as feelings while differentiating them from inferiority and superiority complexes. While the feeling or emotion could work as a motivator, the complex could give a good excuse to play the victim like “You don’t understand how I feel!” or “If it weren’t for this, I could do it too!”

The philosopher explains through the night that it is important to understand that everyone is equal at their place, not above/beneath anyone where it does better by collaborating than competing. It suggests behavioral objectives for every individual are to be Self-Reliant, live in harmony with Society, have Consciousness of one’s ability, and see people as their comrades.

The Third Night: Discard Other People’s Tasks

Had it been easy to make such choices for yourself, we wouldn’t need this book, right? How one decides for oneself? Isn’t it individualistic, or selfish?

Thus, the philosopher suggests the separation of tasks. Understand what you can do. Even though it hurts to see your close one suffer with their emotions, there is little you can do unless they themselves choose to change their state. It is the other person’s task to amend the ways of their life. Possibly, your task is to be there when they need you or break away from it if you can’t afford to be in such a relationship.

The Turtle said, “You must let go of the illusion of control.” 

Philosopher suggests achieving the real freedom that frees you from the desire for recognition, and appreciation. Real freedom is when you understand that you can’t like everyone, and at the same time, not everyone can like you.

If you have the courage to be happy, you shall have the courage to be disliked.

But does that freedom make you devoid of all interpersonal relations? Or it gives you the freedom to accept relationships without judgments, or expectations?

The Fourth Night: Where the Center of the World Is

Now the conversation grows more intense and complex. I can speak for myself; I need multiple reads to grasp what the book wants to say. It elaborates on the separation of tasks not being part of the individualistic ideology and instead a way how Adlerian Psychology propagates community philosophy. It preaches that one isn’t limited to living for oneself but contributing to society in a better way without expecting appreciation for the deeds.

Eventually, the goal of interpersonal relationships is a feeling of community. The interesting analogy of map v/s globe explains how we can see ourselves as part of the community in the form of a globe rather than see ourselves as the center of the world like a map of every country; and how it gives a sense of belongingness. Also, it opens the possibility that you have a choice not to try hard to fit in with a community that doesn’t accept you as you are. One of the interesting relationships that the book focuses on building, is horizontal relationships by seeing people not above or beneath oneself.

Here you will find a lot to disagree on, on how to build horizontal relationships and it could be an organizational experiment. Here philosopher denies the use of rebuke or praise in any relationship whether personal or professional and instead recommends using the encouragement approach to build better interpersonal relationships and accountability within. The core argument it presents is, 

More one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that they don’t have the ability.

The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest is the Here and Now

This section digs deeper into self v/s community feeling since it is hard to make the switch from attachment to self-interest to concern for others (social interest).

It explains how self-acceptance (affirmative resignations) is different from self-affirmations and leads to understanding what you are born with and having the courage to change what is in your ability. Sounds like what 

Soothsayer said – “Your story may not have such a happy beginning but that does not make you who you are, it is the rest of it – who you choose to be!”

Next, it speaks about having confidence in others for better interpersonal and horizontal relationships which I feel is a very interesting one during the times working from home is becoming a work norm.

In building the community feeling, the book lays down the idea of contribution to others which is very similar to Karma Yoga prescribed in Bhagwad Geeta. It extends the work of a person, not limited to office work, instead, it is about doing your share of work at house, with your kids, or any other responsibilities that lie with you as your task. It is interesting to see the consideration of these points in a single philosophy.

And then comes the core of the book which discards the pursuit of easy superiority for being special for having the courage to be normal. The philosopher gives an example of mountain climbing by comparing it to the journey of life where the experience of climbing is more valuable than reaching the top of the mountain; thus, living every moment of life, here and now, one step at a time is what life is all about. He suggests life is simple and complete when you live it earnestly for every moment.

But the question arises without a goal, does life have a meaning? A final shocking revelation happens which tells the readers that Life has no meaning, but it is your task to assign meaning to it. And the real meaning comes with the sense of belonging driven by the contribution to others.

If I change, the world will change. No one else will change the world for me.

Book accepts that these ideas are hard to accept and disagreeable. However, I suggest giving it a read because these principles do give much to experiment personally, professionally, and at the organizational level.