It was the night when my husband agreed to put her down. We had debated it for over a week and he'd said we couldn't kill her. Kill? Yes, it's called -
"Mercy Killing", isn't it?
Coffee - the therapy dobie bitch
She was 35
days old small pup when Coffee came in our lives 10 years earlier. It is so hard to go past
this statement without crying. I can't even write how she changed or rather shaped me, my personality, my
relationships - so deeply personal; gave me troubled times; stood there in my troubled times; gave me purpose,
distractions whenever whatever was needed; and she brought along my little angel Cookie as
well - my crazy bitches!
As I look
back last 2 years, both are gone, vanished, burnt to ashes; Carrying and touching their dead
bodies, seeing them pushed into that furnace and those 8 to 10 years of togetherness become memories.
No CTRL + Z, plain COMMIT.
And at the same time you realize, grief has different level of social acceptance. Grieving a human or rather an unborn
child matters more than grieving an animal. Then of course proximity matters as well based on how close you are
in the hierarchy of the person who is gone and your grief will be accounted in proportion to that
only.
However, what
shocked me is the lack of human sensibility (not in arrogant way though) to ask someone - "How are you coping?".
I understand it is hard to imagine a possible conversation in such times, but just be there, probably
be like a dog, sit, let the person breathe, let them cry or not, look into their eyes, and let them know you are
here. Come out of your awkwardness, do not try to normalize the situation, because it is not normal. Let the
person be!
My
husband (Akshar) says - whether
someone remembers you in their happy days or not, but be there during their hard times, not expecting them to
remember it or return the favor, just because they should know they are not alone. Well, very few times wise words come out of his mouth that make
sense! 😏
Well ChatGPT
does really a good job. Probably after dogs, that's the one to lean on to when feeling low. Humans... you got to
up your game!
The previous night, her breathing became heavy. It has been
getting heavier for past 2 weeks but last 2-3 days were hard. My heart ached seeing her like that. I had to
increase her steroid combinations that might not be too harsh yet kind of sedate her to ease her breathing. And
then keep giving her water so that steroids don't dehydrate her. Whenever she looked into my eyes, it just
pierced through my heart, as if she was saying, "I will stay here as long as you want. Don't you
worry."
4 months
after her departure, still trying to piece together myself and it is irreparable. I was with a friend for a
coffee and we were talking about this thing called death. After 35-40 years of age, the meaning of
life surprisingly shifts because death starts coming closer to you. Such are the times when you understand the
"Helplessness"; when you know at your core that "money is not enough" and yet "money is not
enough" - all at the same time!
No it is not
typo, you just have not been there yet. And I pray you don't see such a day in your life ever.
The Diagnosis
Coffee from being treated for Urinary Infection (a misdiagnosed cancer) since December, ended up to neck swellings in May, which got diagnosed as Lymphoma. Vet said, Let her eat whatever she wants, let her do whatever she wants, it is just matter of months.
But, we
humans don't know how to let go for our own selfishness of saving the pain to ourselves, we don't want to live
in the guilt of not-trying. We took her to
another vet at another end of the city, who treated her earlier for "Wobbler's Syndrome". She said most likely Lymphoma but it is a known-devil and
treatable and recommended a Cancer Hospital.
The Weight of Hope
Have you
watched Abhishek Bachchan's movie "I want to talk"? Coffee is the animal spirit of the same person. All the
physical limitations felt so smaller in front of her, such was her grit for life.
While
Hope can be good, but painful at the same time.
By
mid-May, we decide on her line of treatment to start with chemo sessions. Her prognosis said 6 months to a year.
Though I don't want to go into overthinking and self-blaming
mode, but it is easier to die with cancer, than dying after chemo. Had it been anyone else than
Coffee, I don't know, that girl went through a lot! That girl just stayed through it, till we let her pass.
Maybe this is how I want to remember her, helps me find strength.
3 years
back, she was detected with Wobbler's Syndrome and mild DCM, and she couldn't even walk. My husband and I had discussed about quality-of-life decision if her condition doesn't improve. But here we were, thinking,
oh she will get through this too, just chemo sessions have to go right. But turned out, this time was
different. 1st chemo seemed to make her feel better and HOPE kicked in like endorphins. We planned my
birthday vacation or better to say not cancelled the planned one. After 3-4 chemo sessions and a week prior
to our vacation schedule, doctor said the results are not promising, we need to try something
else.
I told
him clearly, "Doctor, she can't die on my birthday or when we are not with her. You have to keep her alive."
She was going to stay with my sister, because at this state, she couldn't be left at any home-stays. I told
my sister the same thing. "Coffee can't go when we are not here."
Those 10 days
So we
tried to put together a plan - medicines, food, walk, her entire schedule; to keep her hidden from the eyes
of Yama; we told Coffee to hold on, we will be back.
Earlier
as well, when we would keep Coffee&Cookie at home-stays, both would cry, Coffee's skin will go dull from
her beautiful coffee-coloured coat.
However
this time, she stopped interacting in a week and was critical that she had to be rushed to hospital. I told
doctor just keep her breathing anyhow. Then I adjusted her medicines, to suit her so that she is not in pain
and don't vomit. We couldn't reschedule the flight for whatever excuse I make.
We come
back home and that girl comes alive 😶 such a drama queen👸. My parents, my sister, her husband - she drove
all of them crazy tense in those 10 days.
Now with
her deteriorated condition, she couldn't take chemo and she entered Palliative care mode.
One
evening I took her for a walk to all her usual places, meet her stray friends & not-so-friendly friends.
Though she did not have the strength, yet I tried to lift her up to give enough support so that she could
walk. She was exhausted, tired with her body, yet active and energetic brain. And that was when she last walked outside. It was early-August.
What aging and
cancer can do to such unstoppable energy, is unimaginable.
There was a boy, joined as a fresher in of my previous company. He and his father met an accident, while his father hit his head on the stone and slipped into
coma, this guy got away with no scratch. The daily expense with ventilator was definitely what family couldn't afford, more than his monthly salary at that time.
Her Mom
requests me to make him understand that doctor is suggesting to pull the plug and there is no point in
continuing this. Being the so-called practical person, I talk to him saying why are you dragging yourself in the debt when there is no chance. He says,
madam what if a miracle happens? Selfishly it is easier to live in debt that the conscience with the weight of making a decision for someone else's life. How's that
different from killing!
I asked
Akshar, God forbid, if someday he sees me or he himself is suffering like Coffee,
wouldn't he let me go or want to be gone? And his answer stunned me - Amrita, "Kaun marna chahta hai"?
(which living being wants to die?)
Well the concept of death itself is very humane. Animals don't have concept of death though.
Letting it all Go
After I lived through that night knowing what's going to
happen next day, I wake up and move Coffee to balcony, so that she can feel the air. Get ready and wake
Akshar up. Tell my Sister to bring Akshu to meet Coffee for the last time before going to school. We were
planning to do this before she returns from school. My sister has been preparing Akshu for last few days
about Coffee.
I do video call to my Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister In Law,
nephews (Ved, Shlok). Told Akshar to video call his Mom.
I talk to the doctor who provides home service for animal
euthanasia to come in the first half itself, not evening; she said, she will be there in 30 minutes. I think
I was shivering or frozen, shocked. We bring her in hall, her usual place through the day, remove her
carrying belt. We sit around her crying, Akshar wiping her for the last time.
I
recently read one of the Shashi Tharoor's article where he talks about his canadian friend opting for his right to die.
It gave a better perspective of choosing dignified life by choosing death.
First
injection, her eyes closed and next 2 - she departed. Her face her body all at
ease, no troubled breathing, no sensation, no feeling - just the silence, the silence of
helplessness, the silence of peace, the silence of death.
We (Akshar, Vishal and Me) carried her for cremation, again
from my lap to furnace.
Chola Mati ke he Ram
And this is when it dawns upon you - this life, the chase, the
anger, the grudge, the expectation, the boasting, the demeaning, everything, ends right here for every
single person. After that, you won't even know what people talk about you, whether they remember you,
whether they miss you - none of it matters. Of course one has to live and only way I see is as described via
Karma Yoga in Bhagwad Gita.
What matters is relations that you build when alive, the way
you live your life for yourself, and there are couple of people surrounding you while you are dying, they
can laugh while remembering you, they have memories to talk about you.
Better to
let go of relations that are not meant to happen, don't force yourself to like people who you dislike, don't
try to fit in for others to like you, smile so that someone who sees you can smile, don't hold that grudge -
not worth it, don't think someone's pain is less or more than yours - everyone is living the hell to their potential 😊
I
probably just want to be like Coffee&Cookie in someone's life or for more than one person, so that they
can comfortably sit with me in troubled times and feel at peace. If
I can be that presence for even one person, I think I have
lived.
We broke into a million pieces and we can't go back;
But now I'm seeing all the beauty in the broken glass;
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony...
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